Find the Love You Really Want (How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It)
I have always have a number of topics to write about on the subject of romance and relationships. In fact the list is endless; but one pressing subject I want to chat about as the sunny season of hope springs forth, is that educating your "self" in the art of creating successful relationships is the only way forward. Wouldn't you love to save a whole lot of heartache and time?
Consciousness seems to be the major buzz word on the planet now. In essence it means becoming aware and the first place we must start is with ourselves. So unless in a relationship you know and are aware of what you are giving off how can you expect to fix the problems? You are one half of the problem that exists I am sorry to say. What we allow, even if our partner is abusive, is still our problem and in the allowing, we self harm.
So once inward focus is recognised then we can start to understand and know what makes us tick in relationships and more to the point start to own and take responsibility for our part in the dynamics. When I truly "got it" I realised that I had been blindly blaming my partner choices on them. Ugh! I had to grow up a little and make the changes necessary to change the dance I had been dancing for 25 years. It was revolutionary! Sadly a lot of people don't want to make changes to their behaviour and continue to think their partner is the one to blame. But in doing so they only delay inner growth and healing.
So what does relationship education give you that you won't learn by just experiencing?
1) Understanding that it is GOOD to have boundaries and when you have none love won't come to you easily. When you are boundaryless you will keep letting in unwanted behaviour from others and you will find it tough establishing the REAL you.
2) When you are triggered into conflict or a row with your partner it is 90% your issue and only 10% theirs. Triggered emotions feel like small snake bites inside and the pain inflicted is coming from an unhealed part of you. It is virtually never what you find to argue about..lid off the toothpaste or peeing on the toilet seat... it is about the unconscious meaning that experience has for you from the past.
3) When you are in conflict with your beau, you will either respond by closing down and not wanting to face the "music" and boy the music can be loud! Or, you want to talk it through and keep nagging at your partner until you get the space to do so. These two "styles" of people will always meet and fall in love and it is why and how you communicate through that is essential in the path to deep communion in love. Otherwise " 'er in doors" becomes the flavour of pub talk!
4) An ability to look at and understand the past when you were growing up with your parents or caretakers and to come to know that your partner choices in adulthood reflect a deep unconscious desire to heal past "wounds" from childhood. Don't be offended when I use the word wounded because human beings are hugely diverse and complicated and parents do their level best to bring us up in a balanced way. However, it is and was impossible to have our needs met 24/7 as we grew up and some of the negative experiences hang around in our memories from the young delicate little people we once were and become the snake bites that I have discussed, later on.
5) Partner choices, for your childhood healing process to be completed, are mostly unconscious. In other words you may consciously choose, for example, they have a great physical appearance and embody the things that excite you but what makes you fall head over heels and gets you intrinsically "hooked" will be largely motivated by your brain and its past experiences, mostly negative ones with your folks, and is merely trying to re-create those "playgrounds" of experience to replay the movie and gain a successful outcome this time around. In other words, you will unconsciously choose those partners who embody mostly the negative traits of your parents/caretakers in order to re-create the same situations from childhood where this time around you can heal. This is a deep one to accept I know and people say to me how so you know it is true Gina? Well because I see it everywhere I look. Men cry quite alot...."god she is just like my mother!" and for good reason. But not knowing why sets up further conflict and an eventual need to rid yourself of this person, rather than to know and thank that this person who has annoyingly turned up to help you heal from the past!
6) Relationships have a cycle. The honeymoon phase allows the bonding of attraction with the above motivation in mind, to heal from childhood. But this bonding is without fail followed by the conflict stage or "power struggle" as the wounds that need to heal come up to the surface and this shows up as....what you once loved about your partner is now annoying the hell out of you! Learning how to move beyond this tricky stage needs help and is only done through the right type of communication. Most couples come to me during the conflict stage because they are programmed to respond with the learned behaviours from the past and so I teach them how to add to the bag of tools and help them learn that we must honour and respect the other in their differences.
7) The relationship space. I have written about this already but my teaching focuses on couples seeing that what they give to the relationship, rather than what they take from it, heals and grows the quality of the relationship and the other.
8) And finally, healing, self love and acceptance come from learning about yourself and arming yourself with this valuable knowledge WILL shift who you attract and improve the quality of your relationships.
Honouring and knowing what is coming from you is the beginning of your journey to successful and healthy relationships. Get in touch when you need a hand along that path and together I will help you see the real beauty of you as you return to love.
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